Fly Me to the Moon and Back

And let me play among the stars...

Been ages, but chiming in with the move...
Yeah!
tigeronstarfire
I'm sure you could guess why. Went ahead and migrated to https://tigeronstarfire.dreamwidth.org/.

Not sure how often I'll post anything new, but I'm way more active on Twitter nowadays! If you happen to see this, feel free to follow me or send me a poke. Wouldn't mind catching up with a lot of you guys.

Tigeron

Eight Years Too Long
Yeah!
tigeronstarfire
This has probably been a long time coming, but I think after that last realization, a few days later in bed, another one came, but in this format:

Don't let an eight year old storm steal your happiness.
Don't let a relationship that ended ruin your happiness.
Don't let a job that makes you upset sometimes ruin your happiness.
Don't let your debt (which is decreasing!) ruin your happiness.
Don't let your accidents scare you and ruin your happiness.
Don't let a friendship that went awry ruin your happiness.

And after each one, it felt like a boost in good feelings jolt me every single time, up until I felt like I had finally let all of that hurt go. It's not complete, but damn if it isn't a huge step in the right direction. I was carrying around so much pain and hurt from all of those things, that it was likely robbing me of my energy and my peace of mind. Not long after that, amazingly, I found it so much easier to concentrate, I felt way less stressed out, and finally, I felt like I could think clearly again. ...but I also became very sleepy since. XD Maybe like my body renewing itself after all that.

Not to mention, with my 31st birthday a little over a month away, it made me think about just where all that has left me, and where I am today. That, and hoping I don't let the rest of my life slip away, ruined by the anxiety and stress I placed upon myself due to all of those situations. Live, learn, and move on.

Not much more to it than that! This one wasn't terribly deep, but I think it broke through a lot of my personal walls.

Measures of Friendship
Rose Passion!
tigeronstarfire
Hey LJ! It's been almost a month now, but this tiger is now in his 30s. And the more amazing thing is that I think I've been using LJ for over a decade now. Wow.

Anywho, I'm writing in because I've been a bit reflective over the past few weeks. I have seemingly lost a friend of mine. Not necessarily because there was anything horrible between us, but because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. And, after a recent con I went to, I've come to understand that this is okay. I'm at peace with the whole thing. But it's given me pause to reconsider some things about the way I approach people.

You see, years ago, back on AOL, I made a point to contact others. There was so much I wanted to talk about. Toonami, Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, furry related stuff, my old mailing list, Digimon... The internet was in its prime, and there were so many people I could talk to. It was an amazing thing. And yet, slowly, but surely, as time went on and I started getting more focused in my own interests, more people contacted me instead of me them. Fast forward to today, and in many ways, that's still the case. Only a handful of people talk to me on a regular basis, and mostly it's because they tell me 'Hi!" or want to talk. It's not that I'm not interested, I just lack a reason to initiate conversation. I don't want to impose, or I just find it more comfortable to do my own thing. No one criticizes you when you're alone. But you do end up feeling lonely. And me, having never really been able to keep friends growing up because of moving schools, Katrina, and more, I have found myself still staying mostly in my room. Still doing my own thing, doing what interests me.

Heck, even this past year, I've intentionally felt like I've withdrawn myself. In a way, I feel like I'm in a cocoon, reassessing myself and slowly metamorphing into something new. But what bothers me is knowing that I have friends...acquaintences, perhaps... People that wonder where I've been. People I haven't talked to in a while. People I haven't reached out to. People I worry I've lost because I feel like I've disappointed or upset them. Worse, feeling like I'll never regain some of those feelings because they've drifted too far from me. That my old maxim of picking things up from where I left off is dependant on the friendship itself, or rather the person.

To which one might say, well, "Hey Tiggs, if you don't talk to someone in ages, what kind of friendship is that?" And indeed, maybe you're right!

For all I know, this is one instance that didn't go like I planned, and maybe I'm reading too much into it. The two of us have some wonderful mutual pals that I've come to know, and I don't want to ruin anything for them. I don't want things to be awkward, and I don't want to come off as some pitiful tiger that can't deal with the reality of how things are, because it's not ideal or what I would want. It's life, like it or not, and it'll get messy sometimes. Screw the hot-blooded ideals and accept life for what it is, and make the most of it.

Maybe I worry too much. Maybe things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. And...maybe I dwell too much in my head for my own good. Maybe all are true.

I don't want people to pick sides. I just want to enjoy time with them. I don't want to make things stressful.

The message I've been getting this week has been a simple one. If I want to make the friendships I currently have better, I just have to get back in there. Just like a prize fighter, sitting it out would be like quitting. That I'd be willing to give up and let things go, or shrink away because I can't handle the conflict, because "it would be best if...". It's not that bad. It's never been that bad. It's been a blown up problem that got an awkward resolution. But I have to face facts as they are, and know where I'm wanted.

Friendship is a two way street. In my world, the path to my friends is always left open, like a cabin on the side of the road you can always come to get cocoa. However, I think I need to be more pro-active and embrace the people who do care about me and are interested in my well-being, and foster that relationship. You guys mean the world to me. And this whole experience has helped me realize that focus. I know I may be reeeeeeally bad on not talking to my friends. I realize this, and I'm sorry. I've been too quiet for my own good, and I hope to rectify that.

And maybe, just maybe... Continue to give people a reason to come back for chocolate. *giggle* Why, here's one now...

Be well, guys. *hugs*

Tigeron

So, Who Am I, Really?
Not Giving Up
tigeronstarfire
*dusts off and blows the shelves* Still around, eh, LJ?

Sorry I haven't posted in a good long while - mostly moved over to Twitter. But then again, there are things that can only be defined in a journal. 140 characters can be awfully restrictive when you want to elaborate.

Let me start by saying that things in life are going okay. My job is bugging the hell out of me, but mostly due to everything that's currently being asked of me. I once called it a glorified student worker position, and it's coming back down to that, plus speakers. I just recently finished up a gauntlet of four over the past three weeks, and I took two days off for myself. It's damn annoying knowing that there are other things that need my attention, but I've been putting some off just due to the workload.

Given, working at the same salary for almost five years grates on a guy. The benefits are nice, but it's when I can actually get around to using them. And rather than defend myself when things go wrong, I hang my head and accept the criticism. And I want to get away from it all because I'm increasingly less and less enjoying my job. Not to mention, given that I've found myself in the arms of a very sweet Canadian, I may have to move things soonishly anyway. *sigh* But I just need to look, I guess. I'm not fond of the work I'd leave behind for my coworkers, but like my aunt said, "We'll find someone". Fair enough. Bills are going up, hiring freeze is still in effect, morale is dropping, everyone's frustrated and angry, and my pay is still the same as it was back in 2007.

In truth, I'd be happy if I could keep the benefits and just work somewhere else that isn't so demanding. I even used to worry that I wasn't a hard enough worker, and that I wouldn't be able to hold my own if I moved to New England. ...Ironically enough, I feel like that's been proven false. Yes, I may get in to work 15 minutes late, but I don't take breaks, barring lunch. I'm at my desk or away from it doing work otherwise. Maybe it just means I'll have to put in some days past 5 to do what needs doing.

The other thing that's been nagging me is my sense of self. Sure, there's the sweet and happy Tigeron visage I normally display, but there's a deeper me I find I've been denying. He's the one that tells me the absolute truth about myself, and the one I hush if I want to appease others. Granted, more often than not, he appears by me sticking my feet in the mud and not opening my mouth when there's something I don't want to do, or don't like. Rather than say, "You know, I don't like this", I more often than not stay completely quiet and keep up the mask. However, I get stubborn, obstinate, and a bit passive aggressive. I never admit it, but it's there, and I want to reconcile that side of myself with myself going forward. Steadily, it has. But there are still some aspects of my life the above takes hold of. The ones where I find honesty difficult because it's inconvenient. "Just love me, just like me, and I'll do what you want, even if I don't like it."

That's no way to live. :P Maybe it's a side lesson I need to unlearn from how to get by with being gay and never admitting it to others that don't ask, but I'm denying myself my identity in the process.

The internet is a warm, glowing distraction, too. It's so convenient to just watch videos, read blogs, look up new computer information, stay up to all hours and wake up tired in the morning. All because I don't want to acknowledge my own problems. And yet, here I am, because I need to etch it somewhere. But the more aware of it I become, the more I read, the more rest I get, the more I realize just how much it's affecting my life. And that's got to stop.

So, you say, what's my resolution? How do I grow beyond this problem that's torn at me?

What I've come to realize is that the problems in life guide you to their solutions. You hate going through them sometimes, but if you didn't, you'd never understand how valuable those solutions are. And further, they're great because next time they come up, you can work smarter, not harder.

The whole reason I bring that up is because that's the process I'm going through. Telling myself, that, the more aware I become of the problem, the worse off I feel, is this what it'll take to grow beyond what's set before me? Is this really the life I want to lead? Do I have to go to the bitter end to realize just how much agony I put myself through? Is THIS what it takes to wake me up from my self-imposed coma of day to day monotony?

Yeah. Because at the end of the day, I need to realize that I need to worry about me more than anyone else. I'm the only one who can take care of me. I can get help, but at my core, it's my responsibility, and my eternal dilemma to figure out what makes me tick, what makes me happy, and what I need to do to achieve that. My problem is that I care too much about what other people think or feel to grow beyond that. And perhaps, my feet do more to make me aware of the problem than they do to resolve it.

That is what I intend to resolve.

Josh

Finished Fursuit is Finished!
Devious Artemis
tigeronstarfire


<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I'll let the video speak for itself, but I will have this with me this weekend at AC! If you're going, I'll see you there. :)

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGSQUEE!
tigeronstarfire


DUUUUUUDE. I'm so freaking close now. :D

Time for a turning point.
Objection!
tigeronstarfire
Bro. Wayne, I've had enough of dealing with the phantom of a premature death just because I love other men. I'm tired of believing you for over ten years. I'm tired of denying my heart the pure joy I feel from being in another guy's arms.

I'm cutting these chains tonight. Your words will have no more power over me, and hopefully my mom. I considered you a man of God, but you're just as human as I. But I will no longer subject myself to fears I allowed you to install into my mind.

No more. I know what I feel to be true, and your word is NOT absolute. I may be scared, but this is something that I feel I need to do.

Hello, world. I'm Josh. I'm a gay man, and that's precisely how God made me. To deny that would be to live a lie, and that's the very lie I'm tired of living.

And, well... I want to make another man very happy to have and hold me. I want a companion, a friend, a lover, and I would like to be that for someone else. Because I do get lonely sometimes, and I really want to share my heart with someone else.

But for the record - I will die because I'm mortal, and NOT because I'm gay. It's over, Bro. Wayne. I know who I am. You may not even know how much this has affected me, but enough is enough. I'm tired of feeling trapped. I want to live again, and not hold back due to those fears.

I'm not weak. I also believe I've been given a brain to use and to try to be as safe as possible. But I will no longer let those words torment me...because the gift of being gay makes me happier than you'll ever realize. And I'm tired of letting that joy be stolen from me.

My life begins anew today. We'll see where it takes me.

Posted via LjBeetle

Voice Post
Yeah!
tigeronstarfire
VoicePost
475K 2:55
(no transcription available)

Notes to self...
Relaxed...
tigeronstarfire
The blanket I bought from Bed, Bath, and Beyond yesterday is a lethal weapon.

It causes me to stay yummily inside for hours on end in delight of its shere comfort. Point of fact - I was awake by 10 today. However, I was trapped by it and my comforter until 2 PM.

True story.

One other note - I've come to terms with my love of straight men. By nature, I love them because they are guys, and are what I am attracted to. ...I just can't expect things to go anywhere for that reason. XD It's silly and selfish of me to think otherwise, when in fact, they're happiest with women, not other guys. And I don't want to get in the way of that.

I've also now sold four things on eBay. My old DSi, two TiVo wireless adapters, and my old Samsung Moment phone. It's a lot easier than I thought it would be, and I'm surprised that I've let my fear of it hold me back for so long.

Finally, I'm gonna miss Heartcatch Precure.  T_T  The last episode aired Sunday morning in Japan.  All I have left to look forward to is a sub of the movie of them in France, and the final episode.  *sniffle*

Just something rambling through my head lately...
Objection!
tigeronstarfire
*dusts off the cobwebs*

Hey guys, still here. Rather than repeat the same 'sorry I haven't posted in a while', I'll just pick things back up again. Bear with me, though. This journal might change gears to a degree. I still wanna get my thoughts out, and things might turn a touch more political than they have been. Those are the issues I've been focusing on lately, and I wanna finally etch them on here. Mostly because I've kept my mouth shut for much too long.

I'll start off by saying...damn. The Republican Media Machine is insane.Collapse )

Putting a face behind homelessness...
Not Giving Up
tigeronstarfire
If you've been browsing Youtube today, you may have noticed them promoting a channel called "Invisible People". Now, yes, I know I don't post much lately, but I figured it was pretty poignant and worth supporting. Mostly because some of these people really are like you and I, and have just fallen on hard times. And to take a moment at really how much we take for granted, and what others have to do just to get by.

Sure, we save money for expensive televisions, flights across the US or the globe, places to live and are driven to constantly buy more and more just to keep that level of consumption up, because we're 'never satisfied'. And yet, families, who are trying to make the most of their lives, just trying to do the best they can, have to keep their chin up with the clothes on their backs, a sleeping bag, and go day to day just hoping that things work out for them.

I felt moved enough that, if you bear with me for just a few minutes, watch a few videos that tugged at my heartstrings, and made me feel like I really should be doing more to help people like these out. And in particular, in one video, for a vet who risked his life in Vietnam is now homeless and not being cared for - it's honestly heart breaking. Words can't describe just how shocking that a country would turn its back on a war vet like him.

I'm gonna put three videos that called out to me, with the first one here and the second two behind a cut.



Two more videos behind the cut...Collapse )

Sure, the label for homeless people may be that they're drunk, on drugs, and lazy, but that may be just an excuse to keep people from caring about their fellow men, women, and children. Granted, maybe some of them are. But some of these people genuinely want to get back on their feet and have a better life for themselves and their families. Maybe they've made some bad choices. But that's not to mean that they can't turn around or that we should damn them to never have a second or third chance in life. I mean, seriously, what if we were in their place? God forbid any of us have to deal with that, but seriously... Consider these people. Watch a few videos from the channel. Maybe you'll be moved like I was.

And to those that say they should just 'get a job at McDonalds', well, there's someone else that deserves their story told as well. And maybe she brought it on herself by having such a large family, but don't tell me you can watch this video and NOT feel something for her, and how much she's trying to make ends meet.

One final video to consider...Collapse )

It hurts. Especially to see good people who genuinely try to make things work for their family and have to struggle so hard to do so.

Gentlemen! Behold! The Fruit of My Labors!
It&#39;s Plaaaaaaaaaytime!
tigeronstarfire
I BRING YOU.... CAKE!!



Full Details are Inside!Collapse )

Stop Dwelling and Start Deciding! (Or: How Worry Gets You Nowhere)
zOMG!
tigeronstarfire
I've been waffling on making this post for a few days now about this, but I'll just cut some of my notable recent details (since I want to do it, but go to bed too).

1. Best way I've found to deal with anxiety? Become my own best friend. I'm becoming more predisposed to helping myself when I'm not thinking about the 'what ifs', and concentrating more on what will help me through my current problem.
2. Following this up, it's easier to look at problems and find solutions versus think about percieved reactions. Who cares what everyone thinks? I have to be happy, so I'm going to shoot for that. Besides, self-actualization is fun. :)
3. If I want to do something, just do it. It could be fun and exciting. ^_^

Over the past few days, I've opted more towards finding solutions to my problems rather than just dwelling and dwelling, and in fact really going nowhere with them. I decided that it's much better to find resolutions - I can move on to another problem and tackle that one too. Case in point - I've been looking at perhaps getting an LED LCD TV. But I already have a 42" LG that's serving me just fine. After checking the set out at Best Buy, I came to a conclusion. I can't justify the new set which essentially has only a better backlight (and contrast ratio), another HDMI port, and internet connectivity. The resolution is the same. Until my roommate buys my current TV from me, I have no reason to upgrade. 42" is daunting enough in my room, even if I wanted to go up to a 47". So it just wasn't practical. Figured I'd at least wait until Black Friday and see what comes out then, and how prices look. What this stopped me from doing is buying into all of the hype and realizing that, hey, what I have now is fine. I don't need to rush an upgrade. :P

One little note however - the prices for the XBox 360 arcades are really tempting with Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts and Viva Pinata. I may end up getting one of those soon, mostly just to play those, and maybe play around on Live Arcade every once and again. (Though I still have tons of stars to nab in Super Mario Galaxy 2...)

Deviation for some TMI...Collapse )

And yes, I do really badly want to start building specialty cakes now. :P I wanna make me a furry cake something fierce, so I may start investing in that tomorrow, or even this weekend. Could be a fun little endeavour!

ARRRGH WHY AM I GETTING CREATIVE AT 1 IN THE MORNING
It&#39;s Plaaaaaaaaaytime!
tigeronstarfire
A friend of mine likes to build speciality cakes, and hearing about it made my mind go nuts with possibilities, including for a roommate of mine whose birthday is coming up.

DAMN IT NOW I WANNA PLAY WITH FONDANT AND BUILD SOME CAKES D:



This seems crazy easy, just time consuming. But it could make some really magical stuff given time and enough effort. I wanna try this! :D (And general specialty cake building)

Anthrocon 2010 - Con Report! :D
Rose Passion!
tigeronstarfire
Where to start?

Geez. Suffice to say, I had a wonderful year this year.

Made some new friends, became closer to the people I already knew, and although I didn't really attend many panels (I only made it to one), I completely didn't care. I floated and did what I wanted to do, and enjoyed just about every minute of my time in Pittsburgh. It feels really surreal to me actually... Like, what standard do I compare this to? I'm used to having a small circle of pals, close ones at that, and I just kicked that door wide open this year. Ohmigosh. I'm still reeling and trying to process it all. XD

As such, rather than do my usual play by play, I'll just go person by person and hope I get everyone in.

Myrmidon Cougar - To you, man, thanks again for hosting the room and making it as pleasant as possible. It's always a pleasure rooming with you, and I hope you didn't wear yourself out too much this year. XD
Cirrus Kitfox - Dude. I FINALLY GOT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. XD OMGOSH. It was a lot more laid back than I expected, and I know we were pretty much hanging off of each other on Friday night, but I'm so glad I've gotten to know you better. You're a real inspiration to me, and look forward to fostering our friendship. :3
SilverMoonWolf - Henshin a go go, baby. XD You're the main reason I brought the Gekiviolet outfit, and I was glad I could be there for you at AC when you wanted an ear. I totally love how much energy and passion you have and that you put into whatever you do. Who knows, maybe next year, when I have my own partial, we could plan for something for the Masquerade? :3
Vince Suzukawa - It's sad to see ISO go (since it's been more or less a staple for me coming to your table for the past several cons) but I'm still flattered that I got to hang with you as much as I did on Saturday night. And yes, passive tiggies totally exist. ;3P We're like big kitties, but we still have plenty of energy to pounce when we need to. ...we just tend to be a lot more laid back than most. XD Or, that's my take on the whole thing, anyway. :3
PRGuitarman - You can rub my tummy anytime you want, man. XD That, and I really wanna play more stuff on the DS against/with ya. :) Shame it never came around until later in the con. Your iPhone photomods were really sweet too. XD In fact, I was thinking it'd be cute if you did one when I finish the colored version of that drawing I'm doing for you and...
Bauske - I've been wanting to be pals with you for a while man, and you're a really great guy. Just never felt courageous enough to start a conversation. And much like my thing with Vince, I was way too shy to come up and say hey. Especially since you tend to be pretty busy. XD Guess we'll see where things go from here. :) Glad you liked the pic I did for you and PR, too.
Skitzo and Zippner - You two are like my anchors at furry cons lately. I really like hanging out with the two of you, and I feel bad I didn't hang out with you two more this year. (Especially on the last night) But you two are wonderful pals, and I always love seeing you both whenever I go. :) Sorry you were in that wheelchair for most of the con though, Zip, but I'm glad you're up and about (or at least, as of the last day, anyway).
Mapdark - Don't be sad, man! XD I hope what time I hung out with you at AC, I hope I cheered you up enough to help you get through the day. Sad to hear if you don't want to attend another AC, but you do have to do what makes you happy, man. Don't be afraid to float about and do what you enjoy.
Crono Liganthah - I have to mention you man - you're still one of the coolest (and most approachable) guys I know from AC. Always love seeing you around year to year, even if we maybe only saw each other for a short while each time.
Mook - Never thought I'd end up flying back to New Orleans with you, man, but I'm glad I got to know you better. I love the flash animations you do on FA, and seriously, one of these days, I want to start working on some myself. Hope to see you again soon around here, and I'm sure you're always welcome whenever we have parties at Black's.
Regi - Dude, it was so sad to hear that you had forgotten your art supplies at home, but it was good seeing you again at the con. :) I know I didn't see you much either, but I hope the weekend went relatively well for you, all considered.
Raz Raccoon - Yes, I completely was serious when I said I love the stuff you've got up, and it was nice talking to and meeting the guy I've been seeing (and partially journal stalking) online. XD Glad you liked my SPC impressions, and there's tons more where that came from. ^_^
Kaelis - We didn't see each other much during the con, and as usual, I didn't go to your room (again). XD Hopefully Kal can come to the con again next year - I really miss that mousie.
Zshamm and Hali - It's so weird. Hali's such a big name in the furry fandom nowadays, so it's interesting that I know him semi-personally. I really do wish Ronin and Darius could've come this year, but I understand why they both couldn't. I really miss all of you deeply, and I think I'd love to see you guys again on a less hectic pace.
Flare - The other Starfire. XD I know I didn't spend much time (at all) with you and Myrm, but it was nice getting to know you a bit better, all the way back from the WTF we had in AC 2002. (Wait, we have the same last furry name? WTF?)
Nauta - Another person I like running into each year. :) *hugs* Read your journals, and sorry to hear about how some of this year went for you.
Neon - I know I didn't have much of a chance to hang out with you this year (barring Sunday) because of how occupied I was at the main con space. It's nothing against you, really, and I am sorry that you had to go through some con crud funk for part of the weekend. But thank you for the meal on Friday! It really was good seeing you in person again. :3 (Just, like I said, I couldn't make any promises..)
Gelus and Nemo - Just wanted to sneak you two in here - Gelus, it's always wonderful to see you at AC too. Nemo - not much to say besides I like your chubby otter character, and you have the honor of the only trade I did all con. XD
Exatron - Just wanted to show I didn't forget you. XD It's nice hanging with you, man. Not necessarily because of anything in particular, but it just 'is'. ...if that makes sense. XD And yeah, just hearing what you can lift with your legs is damn scary. o_O Not in a bad way, though. Just..wow.
Clup and Poop - I'm sure you'll never read this, but a shout anyway - I love the work both of you do! *egostroke* Nice meeting both of you!

I think that pretty much covers it for the people I know that I saw there. If i didn't add you, my apologies - it's not intentional! *whimper*

Oh, and if you're reading this, Dragoneer, I was itching ALL CON to come up, hug you, and tell you thank you for everything you do for FA. That, and whoever wears that Fender suit is one of the coolest people on Earth. SRSLY.

Beyond that, it really was a blast to wear my Gekiviolet outfit on Saturday, and I really do regret that I wasn't able to get a combo photo with the White Ranger that was walking around. Although, I could only imagine what people in Pittsburgh must've been wondering to see a guy in violet spandex walking around with a tail. XD The sad thing is that unfortunately, the helmet is a bit scuffed up from the return flights and will need some mild repairs. <= / Still, my partial fursuit will be ready for next year, and I may just wear that instead.

All in all, it was really great to meet and get closer to the people I met this year and in years prior. It really is a bit overwhelming, and definitely scary, since I'm not used to being very social beyond my main group of friends. And surreal, I mean, it's like, the people I've always wanted to get to know better, I am, and...just... I feel so inferior! XD *bows to those with much greater artistic talent than himself* But all told, I'm very humbled and grateful for whatever's offered to me. I don't ever want or hope people feel like I'm a social burden or bother, and genuinely hope my company is enjoyed. Granted, I may be blowing it way too much out of proportion, but that's what worries me the most.

Anywho, I may get some rest soon and enjoy the last day of my vacation. XD Just wanted to get that all out before I did, though, while it's still relatively fresh.

And if I don't post before then, I hope you all have a great 4th of July weekend! :D

*SPAAAAAAAAAAZZ!!!!*
OMGSQUEE!
tigeronstarfire
I'm close guys. Silver and I are close. :D



A note - Turn your volume down when you first start it - the video may be a little too loud (I realized this AFTER I recorded it..)

We just need to fur and detail the head and stripe my tail. That's it! THAT'S IT! :D

Psyched. COMPLETELY psyched. :D Here's hoping to have it done for AC, but my fingers are so freaking crossed. But it will be soon. Count on it!

Stuff and Things - Update on Life in General
I make this look good.  ^_^
tigeronstarfire
Hey guys. Not quite sure where to start here since it's been a little while. But I figured I'd just go ahead and get with it, I guess. :3P

Part of me somehow hates to keep updating this journal with stuff that I collect and the like, which is most of what I'd probably write about anyway. But it's part of a deeper conflict I have with myself about flaunting or gloating the things I have, and somehow making someone else feel bad because of that. But then, maybe that's just me thinking to myself, being neurotic, when that doesn't really exist anyway. <= [ Not sure.

Anywho, I just wanted to first make a shout to a friend I made a few weekends ago at RCFM - mikefox2d. He's a really awesome guy, and I'm so glad that I have him as a pal. :D That, and he's extremely cute to boot. XD And he has a very sweet and artistic wife. We spent several hours just talking about life, religion, furry, and the like at the con, and we just seemed to connect really well. Made me happy. :3 Hope it continues well into the future.

Regarding other things - played and beaten Final Fantasy XIII and No More Heroes II, working on Super Mario Galaxy 2 in my spare time (or whenever I get around to it). Regarding FFXIII, I liked the whole video game storybook aspect, but it did feel way too linear. I'm used to having freedom to open up and do things whenever I so choose, but the leveling on rails really disappointed me, but the story was really nice. And, much as other people may disagree, I think Hope had the most dynamic character development within the party, and I think I ended up connecting to him most. No More Heroes...I miss the epicness of the original, and it was over a lot quicker. But the music was really catchy and it was fun regardless. I even ended up smacking myself in the back of the head with my Nunchuk cord because I get too passionate into these things. XD SMG2...it's fun, but I have to play it in doses. Don't wanna spoil too much of a good thing too quickly, but I'm enjoying the level design thus far. I'm not a fan of the map system, though, and it reminds me too much of NSMB which I am not fond of anyway for making something 'new', but doesn't really feel too special.

Ran into a few epiphanies lately too. For one, I'm opting not to spend any time or energy on a relationship that doesn't return it. This goes more for love interests, as I know I'm pretty bad about talking to people since I'm so used to just doing my own thing. But there is something that feels genuinely nice about connecting with others, and I do want to foster the friendships I already have. Quality over quantity, I say. :) (That, and it keeps things simple for me, which I like). Another one, to make a segway, is also about simplifying my life and doing things that matter to me more, things that have more value to me. In addition, cutting out things that I don't enjoy or value as much so I can focus on the things that I really do. I mean, it sucks to let an interest go, but I really wanna put my all into it if I do something. It feels better too. XD Cutting out things makes time for the more valued stuff, and ends up making tiggy happier, so I think it's potentially win win. :) Something I wound back onto after years, I guess, was this site - Zenhabits. In particular, 20 Ways to Eliminate Stress From Your Life. Totally recommend a read if you're up for it. :)

Let's see... More progress is being made on my fursuit, and I now have about a footpaw and a half done, and the tail, head, and chest (besides the airbrushing for striping) will be what's left. Hopefully Silver and I'll work more on that this week, as I'd love to have it for AC. Fingers crossed, but hopefully it'll be done. Just sucks he's been busy, and I hate to make him change gears if he doesn't have a few hours to spend with me on it.

Another thing - I ended up getting a tablet PC. :) It's an old refurbished model, an HP Pavilion TX2517CL, which I got from CedarPC. With shipping, it initially set me back $340, and I just had to get a replacement keyboard and stylus to go with it for about $40 more. In addition, I ended up replacing the drive from a 250GB 5400rpm to a 320GB 7200rpm drive I had lying around, installed Windows 7. I also plan to use it for my drawing/coloring and travel PC, since it's a lot easier to tote than my 17" lappy. I'll have this with me when I go to AC in a few weeks. Thanks to the digitzer screen (that's 'Wacom penabled'), the brighter things do look grainy, and I have to be careful from going between a CCFL backlight to an LED one, since sometimes the colors I picked don't look correct on my LED screen.

Beyond that, I guess it's been somewhat life as normal. Got a new coonie plush for my huggy tiger to snuggle, got a stand for my tablet PC to work on it better, have some new luggage on the way that I'll be using when I go to AC... Oh! And I'm back on the 'experimental medication' that I was on several years ago that cleared me up so well! :D The medication is now called Stelara, and unfortunately, it is pretty expensive. o_O But I go for my next booster shot next month, and I'm progressively showing more and more improvement as the days go by. It's certainly not as 'fast' as I'd like, but it's encouraging to know that people are still seeing improvement as they continue the treatments.

This past weekend too, I went on an impromptu furmeet to the Aquarium of the Americas, met a few new people and hung out with some old friends for a few hours, and afterwards, saw Avenue Q. What bugged me is that I knew most of the play going into it due to the soundtrack, but it was nice to connect the songs with the dialogue in between. Just wish I had a few more people that went with me to enjoy it too. :( Afterwards, I saw Ross and Will again, hung out with them for a while, ended up getting and building the chair I REALLY wanted to get a few months ago, and had a pretty relaxing Sunday, all told.

Lastly, I'm looking forward to Nintendo's E3 conference later today. :) Probably gonna learn some fascinating stuff about the 3DS (since it may be more powerful than the Wii) and whatever else Nintendo throws at us. They still have my heart first when it comes to gaming, and I can't wait.

I think I've packed into this journal what I've held back on saying for a while - I'm just kinda surprised that it's so much. XD I guess I should write about it more. :3P Still though, I hope you guys are hanging in there and doing okay.

That, and I'll end my journal with a quote that has been somewhat inspirational to me (and to get me out of the funk I mentioned in the beginning)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3])

My hope is that I try not to hide that 'light' that I have as much as I normally do. I don't want to make others jealous or feel bad - but deep down, I do want to share what makes me happy. And I'm gonna give myself permission to do so. X3

If you made it through that huge block of text, thanks for reading, guys. :3

Sometimes the best stress relief is just letting it all out...
Transcendence
tigeronstarfire
Fucking aye.



Had a revelation tonight. Really badly needed to left off some steam. This is my anti-drug. XD

I'm still sorta reeling from the whole thing, but I'll be alright. Just...fuck, man.

Video from the Mississippi Paws Furmeet - April 17, 2010
zOMG!
tigeronstarfire
Just tossing these up here from the meet this past weekend. It started fine, and then...we became an extended part of a birthday party. XD

Well, when we weren't being given cheetos or having our genders called out in fursuit. XD

Anywho, Parts 1 and 2 are below. The video's processing as we speak, but it should look better soon.

Part 1:


Part 2:


That's the funny thing about having meets at parks, I guess. Never know who'll be there. X3

Is that a DSi XL in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? :)
Showing Off
tigeronstarfire
I went ahead and got the new DS system today. :3 After getting one, I'm completely happy with my purchase. (Would buy again lol)

Anywho, for anyone interested in how the DSi stacks up against the DSi XL, here's an image of my own I took.

Photobucket

Yeah. At least, to me, even the DSi looks like a Game Boy Micro next to this thing. Okay, that's kind of stretching it, but still. ;3P But the larger screens are very nice. My ONLY regret is that it makes some text more pixellated. But that's okay. Elite Beat Agents is tons easier thanks to this (barring the wheels), but no less fun. :)

Health Care Reform has passed! :D
OMGSQUEE!
tigeronstarfire
Just FYI. ^_^ After over a year, the bill has finally passed.

It may not be perfect, but hey, it's much better than millions of Americans have now.

Whoohoo! :D

In Before March 8, 2010...
Relaxed...
tigeronstarfire
Oh wait, I didn't. XD

Oh well, I turned 27 yesterday, guys. :3P Birthday was MUCH better this year compared to last year, so that made me really happy. *hugs his roomies*

Just a few little things to report - I moved my computer into another case again, got an XFX Radeon 5750 (to replace the 4850 I had) and I also now have a front media display, so now my computer is (finally) the HTPC I've always wanted it to be. That, and I have a Kingston 64GB 2nd Gen SSD on the way to give the newer range of hard drives a shot. :) That, and I have plans to cut a window into my case with some pre-cut stuff from FrozenCPU.com, as well as light it with UV cold cathodes and UV reactive SATA cables. Gonna be pretty cool.

Oh, and kitties.



You may recognize the two - it's Zoey, Black's new kitten, and of course, Buffy. :3

Other than that, it's kinda been life as usual. XD Work is work. Psyched for Final Fantasy XIII, which comes out...tonight? And then there's Pokeyman Soul Silver the following week. I even got a bunch of games from Gamestop last weekend (Okami for Wii, Phantom Brave, Chibi Robo, and Zelda: Spirit Tracks) and...yeah. I'm pretty packed game wise. XD

The Journey of 1,000 Words Begins With the First Letter
Smexy Confident Eletiggy
tigeronstarfire
Just a little paraphrase I figured would be useful. :3P

Hey Livejournal! Long time no see! XD Haven't been posting much because life has been...pretty good, I must say. Work's been pretty steady, though we all had a small scare when our business manager had to go to a budget reduction meeting to justify my position. o_O But it apparently went really well, so everything seems to be okay. He should get the results of that meeting soon, I imagine, but fingers crossed, and I'm feeling optimistic.

It's kinda wierd too. After not writing in this thing for so long, and because life has been so...monotonous, I sorta feel like I've lost my voice. Like, I've just become a cog in the wheel of life, functioning, moving, developing, procrastinating...the whole bit. Not that I don't feel like I'm going somewhere, but sometimes it feels like the same stuff day in and out. But a lot of things have changed too, and for the better, but it's far too much to describe in a simple LJ post. In fact, after my past several, I feel bad even touching on them lightly because it wouldn't do the changes justice.

But you know what? To hell with that. :D And...I think in the back of my mind, I think I'm this furry celebrity that I'm really not. :P Not that many people know me. And yet, it's like... I feel myself going back into my old philosophy of wanting to hide those things away because it was too stressful to be so...'open'. Like, I wanted to have full control over what people perceived me to be at all times, but I can't do that. All I can do is be me, put it out into the open, and if people don't like it, tough titties. I have to be me, and that's the only way I'll attract the people I want to have in my life. Slowly, but surely, I'm becoming more social. And I can't help but still want to keep some of that mystery about me, but not to the point where I'm some vague, wandering shadow like I feel I may have been in the past. Maybe I haven't come off that way. But that's they way I feel I've been.

Anywho though. One of the biggest recent things is that I now have a new entertainment center! ..and media shelf! :D Go see.

This is what I had before - it belonged to one of my roommates, and I was using up until last weekend. And it had plenty of storage. But I wanted to bring the TV closer to earth, and make more use of the center area. So...I have that, but the unfortunate thing is that I can't fit the cable box or my computer tower into it at all. It's not tall or wide enough. :P But it looks nice, and the TV high is just right. That, and I like the media pyramid I have in the center. :) So...it's a tradeoff.

Another thing - I beat MGS3 and 4 over the Christmas break into the New Year. Let me say this - I wasn't happy with the way 4 tied up some of the loose ends, but I FREAKING LOVED 3. SNAKE EATER, BABY. :D FUCKING SNAKE EATER. The ending was a BLAST, and they made you work for it. Just when you thought it was all over? Hell no. :D You're not done yet. XD But it was worth every minute and twist that built up to it. And recently, I was playing Bayonetta. And I hear one of my friends didn't want to play it because of the fanservice. Well, they're missing out on a very sassy, witty, and sexy heroine, and a great action game. And it won brownie points for its use of "Fly Me To the Moon" in the intro, since it reminded me of Eva and fighting angels. :)

Lastly, I learned a few things about myself since my last post.

Don't doubt myself or my abilities. If it's enough to make someone happy, fix their computer - take pride in it, and don't think that I'm not enough. I intentionally, in the past, tried to tie myself down so that I didn't get so far in my art that I made someone jealous, but, well...obviously, I'm holding myself back, and I don't need to. I'm missing out on a gift I have that makes people happy, and that's what I want anyway. And...it's weird. Now that I think about it, I really don't know how or why I came to think like that. o_O Or, to whom I direct that at, unless it's the faceless furry populace, or whatever. But I'll be okay. It's an irrational fear. :P A monster of my own creation, perhaps. Maybe just to protect me from what interest in my art would create? Even if my art is...mostly personal? I dunno. But I shouldn't short change myself, because what I do makes people happy, and I think I'd like to develop that gift.

And for the jackass that was like, "Look at the art I got for free!" Well, you suck. :P Because I did that out of the kindness of my own heart, not to make your sketchbook look better. :P

Alrighty, I know that's a lot to digest, but I think that's a good summary of things up to this point. Oh, and I got a Samsung Moment. :D Android Market is the window to happiness, folks. ^_^

If I think of more, I'll mention it in future posts, and hopefully I won't hesitate to do so. If you guys like reading my stuff, well, here you go. :)

And 'geaux' Saints! I'm not a hardcore football fan, but it's great for New Orleans, and we need all the support we can get. Do your best in Miami!

I think it's safe to say I'm binging on Metal Gear Solid?
Whaaaa?
tigeronstarfire
I'm already on the third game. XD I beat the second not even 24 hours ago.

Totally have Snake Eater running through my head right now. Even if the AI sucks (it's that good :P) because I keep tripping the alert system. And what made it even funnier? It's like, it's a steath mission, and I'm not supposed to be discovered. So, after I keep getting caught by the guards, "The Boss", my mentor, tells me, "Have you forgotten what I taught you five years ago?!" ...and then I can't contact her at all after a while. I thought she was that angry with me for being so sloppy. XD

Little did I know. Oh ho ho. ;3

I swear, I feel like drawing an new icon for all this. That, or at least a comic to talk about my beautiful sneaking mistakes in this game. And that's just from the beginning. XD

o_o ...I think I see why you have a fangasm over Kojima, Isfa...
Violet Wasp
tigeronstarfire
I finished the first Metal Gear Solid game, Twin Snakes, on my Gamecube a few days ago, and started on the second yesterday morning not long after.

Wow. o_o

I somehow wonder why I didn't get genuinely interested in this series before, even after having the disc for about a year before honestly digging into it. Great stuff. Cinematics, storytelling, fourth wall breaking... XD But I took a break today because I didn't want to binge on MGS and plow through all of the games in the series for my vacation. But ohmigosh, it's nice. :3

That, and I got the 'bad ending' in Twin Snakes. I do agree with one poster on Youtube that said it felt more real than the cheesier 'good ending'. Ties the theme together in a cute little bow, but...come on. XD

At least I got the stealth camo. :D

Yeah, I took part in today's Black Friday festivities. ;)
Smexy Confident Eletiggy
tigeronstarfire
Aaaand...got myself a Playstation 3 slim. (And the two Ratchet & Clank games, and Little Big Planet)

I just committed Nintendo fanboy sacrilidge. XD

Anywho, any of you guys wanna add me as a friend, I'm just good ol' TigeronStarfire on there. :)

Don't get reactive, get pro-active! :D
Rose Passion!
tigeronstarfire
Y'know what? I just had a thought. Something that would make me a lot happier, and would meet my needs as a human being. I mean, if things happen that affect other people, why can't I, y'know?

Yeah. One person in particular may not be happy, but you know what? I don't really care. I'm actually really tired of not having words to put behind my feelings, but now, I do. I want to be happier where I am, and in truth, I'm not. I go along with too many other decisions, and it's time that I paved my own way here.

Just because it's 'status quo' doesn't mean that it's one shoe fits all. And to be honest, it's driving me away from here, and I don't want that, because deep down, I don't want to lose the friendships I have over petty garbage. Tiggy needs to be tiggy. And I'm ready for the reprecussions, because it means I'll be happy. I may not like some of the fallout, but hey, you take sacrificies with your decisions. And I'm fine with that.

My dream laptop...at Wally World? o_O
*sniffle*
tigeronstarfire
I haven't mentioned this much, but I've been idly cruising the interwebs for the past few months regarding the new AMD Tigris platform that was launched last month. However, lots of companies decided to hold off on putting anything out until the Windows 7 launch, which is Thursday. So, you can imagine my excitement when I finally see a few laptops vying for my attention - all from HP's DV7 line. But here's the rundown.

What I wanted in my next lappy are as follows:

AMD Turion II Ultra Processor (Preferably M600 or higher)
ATI Radeon 4650 Graphics Card
16" LED Screen or higher
Wireless N Capabilities
Blu-Ray Lightscribe Combo Drive

In order of importance. So, in my search, I've stumbled upon three laptops that caught my attention, but to varying degrees of precision.

Best Buy: DV7-3065DX
What does this one have going for it? Blu-Ray drive. Cost? Base of 729.99. What helps is the fact that I have a gift card for BB, and I could use it to help defray some of the cost of this particular lappy. Unfortunately, this laptop has two strikes against it - the lack of N and graphics that are exactly the same as what I have now. (Though the one in store has a 4200, interestingly enough) Sadly, I also do love that, if I get a service plan, I feel like I'm well taken care of. It pains me to do this, but the graphics are a dealbreaker. It's just not enough of an improvement.

Office Depot: DV7-3060US - ON SALE
Now we're talking. It meets most of the above requirements, but the fact that it has a Radeon 4530 didn't sit well with me. The lack of Blu-ray doesn't hurt it much, but I would have liked to have had it in this laptop. Plus, I can get 10% Bing cash back on this one. Bought online for 699.99, before a $50 mail in rebate, this was the most tempting, however, I didn't expect what I found next to blow all of this out of the water.

Wal-mart: DV7-3069WM
EVERYTHING. FREAKING EVERYTHING I WANTED. But why, Wally World, why? Why must the laptop I love be here? @_@ That, and it costs 899.99 before tax, shipping, and warranty. Granted, it's also cheaper than the first laptop I bought ever (My DV5035NR @ 1049.99 before tax and warranty) but it's like...wow. I'm speechless, but my journey ends there.

So, essentially, where do I go from here? Good question. I'd love to know if the Wal-mart one goes on sale anytime soon, and if so, I'm so tempted to bite. Heck, even now, as soon as it's available, I'm tempted to jump at the opportunity. But why, tiger, why?

A few reasons. First, the LED backlit screen saves energy, and is brighter. Second, the 45nm AMD processors are much more efficient, and can go toe to toe with a Core2Duo. Third, a Radeon 4650 is TONS better than any integrated graphics card I ever had on a laptop. Fourth, integrated Wireless N is much better than carrying around a USB antenna. Last, well, blu-ray. No need for an external bay to play blu ray movies. :)

And yeah, I had my current laptop, Callisto, for about a year. But I never felt that it was meant to stick with me for as long as I had my first laptop, which was for two and a half years. It matches the room, sure, but...well... I just want something more powerful. Something I actually use. And Tsunami? I regret that that is more than I can say for what I've done with you since I built you. And well, Tsunami Jr with my spare parts. I feel that's the direction I'm going in - making use of potential rather than collecting for the sake of having it. And I think this prospective purchase will go a long, long way.

I just wish it wasn't at Wal-mart. :P

Voice Post
Yeah!
tigeronstarfire
VoicePost
424K 2:11
“Hey guys, I'm currently heading towards the polls(?) to go work out with my Mom for today. I mean it's gonna be a slow day ___ but something just happened that really really creep the fuck out of me. I was driving on the Interstate heading down ___ and there was this guy that was swerving between the lane that was right behind me and at some he was on side of me. He didn't rush in to me or anything but what happened was not long after he started swerving, he rammed into the wall like just to the left and I'm like, oh fuck, oh fuck, and not to mention it's a least kinda early to begin with just so I can get there for at least well for technically I'm supposed to be there already ___ for 5:30 but I'm kinda not there yet but I mean guys do, do me a favour please if you're drunk and you can't drive, please have a, well, the common sense to go somewhere where you're well, well if you can get somebody to drive you home or just try not to get too drunk where you can't drive because I would really really be upset if you know something like what happened on the Interstate. I'm assuming everything's gonna be ok but it's just, I got really, really worried that I haven't seen something like that like almost if ever and it's gotten me gotten me somewhat shook up and then like oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God but just putting us out there. Take care of yourselves guys. I love you all and I don't wanna see that happen to any of you or so if you drink, please don't drive and for the safety of yourself and for others because I know it could've been really bad and I'm glad well I'm glad it wasn't. I mean I'm half asleep. Just take care of yourselves. Alright? Talk to you soon. Alright. Bye guys.”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post - spoken through SpinVox

Is it that life is uneventful, or I just don't feel it's worth a post?
Thoughtful
tigeronstarfire
...or am I just THAT apathetic lately? XD

I dunno. I lay here in bed, typing off this post, mainly because I feel like my journal is due for it. There haven't been any MAJOR blowups of the sort. Contentions, sure, but...for the most part, I feel sorta like it's SSDD.

Computer wise, my desktop is about as upgraded as it's gonna get for now. I got a new motherboard for it, and a new video card - an HIS Radeon 4850. I was going to sell my old one to a relatively local friend of mine, but it seems like that's no good anymore. I managed to unlock my other two cores on my processor, so I'm now running a quad. I learned how to turn a router into an access point, and am playing around with (5Ghz) Wireless N. Mom FINALLY got her birthday present a month late. XD One of the doctors I work for got a new computer, and he's cutting his teeth on Vista. And, as you saw last post, I now have a really nice handheld digital camcorder.

Work is pretty slow.

And I've gotten to make a new friend, and it's an artist I've loved ever since I got into the furry fandom - Cirrus Kitfox. :) We hit it off pretty well, and to be honest, it's shocking just how well you can get along with someone (even if you've got an idea in your mind that they're...essentially untouchable from a friend aspect). He got me to try and draw a few different things, and he did some really beautiful art for me.

Working towards paying off more of my debt. Looking forward to paying off my car this year. Gonna miss Ross when he moves out. Not so keen on our newest roommate (also read: extended guest) at the moment, but maybe that'll iron out soon enough. (But at least he does the chores for us and helps pay for groceries). Glad that more of my fursuit is being completed. I like my new pillows.

Though, I'll be honest. I feel like I'm just living day to day, paycheck to paycheck, going through the motions and just living life. I have a lot of the stuff I always wanted to have, but... It's a bunch of potential that's waiting to be used. It fits in well with my desire to be uber-resourceful, but many times it just sits idle.

Oh, and if you haven't yet, give Obama's speech for today a good read, or at least a listen when he speaks later today. It's pretty good, and inspirational, and very easy to understand.

And...yeah. That'll do for now. XD

?

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